Talk Thursday: Self-Deprivation

Restraint has limited meaning in my life’s vocabulary.  I like to think restraint has limited meaning in my life, considering my archetype of gluttony and penchant for exuberance, but the reality is that I’ve aged and learned and grown and know that sometimes a lot is way too much.  God, that hurt to write, but I digress, and I’m also writing stream of consciousness and memory.  You have been warned.

Growing up, I was lucky that my family was not devoutly Mormon, because the extended family really got into the monthly fasts.  None of the platitudes or homilies or stern eyebrows made a difference to me – the expectation to willingly deprive oneself of food seemed obscene.  Add another few years and the development of hormones and a changing body, and God himself was going to have to take away the gift of masturbation after I’d unwrapped THAT lovely present.  As early as a teen, I was actively pursuing sex and sexuality and not even bothering with the lip service to virtue and restraint and self-deprivation that was Mormondom’s heritage, because I could see the future of that path before me and it was a barren waste of self-hatred.  I had tasted some of life’s forbidden apples, which I freely ate because I was told not to, just like Eve – nothing in this world would convince me of waiting or saving myself for invisible and intangible rewards, not when you compared them to the immediacy of sharing, connecting, and sweat.  The difference was that I wasn’t kicked out, I wasn’t banished, I wasn’t escorted from Heaven.  No angels from heaven, no fiery swords, not even bad dreams.  After me and “Hamlin” and the incident in the tent (and the hot tub, and downstairs at my house, and also in his room – all summer long), I knew that liturgy and exhortations and threats of eternal darkness didn’t add up to the glory that was life.  Rebel, me – I wanted divine intervention, but heaven stayed quiet.  Thank you, heaven.

About the same time, I hung out with a Mormon guy, “Conner,” who was trying so hard to be a rebel but couldn’t quite figure out or vocalize that Mormondom had him firmly under its thumb.  He wanted me to introduce him to a female student that I knew really well, and I did – but they didn’t click.  He was socially awkward and I tended to make friends with most everyone, but he was savvy enough to figure out that through me he could make other friends.  We were quite a pair, considering that the more he paid attention to me the more I ignored him, which only egged him on and sparked some inner need of his to be acknowledged.

One night we were alone at my house.  He and I listened to the stereo and he steered the conversation to sex and who was or wasn’t do-able, and if I had any condoms since he’d never seen one before.  I stifled a laugh and threw a few Trojans at him, but then my phone rang and I turned around to sit at my desk and answer it.  I don’t remember who was on the line, but we chatted for a few moments and I hung up and turned around in the swivel chair to find Conner standing there with his pants down and a condom stretched over his enormous, erect penis.  I laughed in surprise and for one instant he looked terrified and sad and ashamed, but I recovered and said “Impressive.”

He looked relieved and he hefted himself with one hand and I laughed again and I was pure evil:  I told him he’d better put that away before he lost his testimony.  He went pale and then put on a brave face.  He didn’t move, so I asked him when he last masturbated and he looked at me like I was insane. I was stunned.

“You don’t jerk off?”  He shook his head.

“That’s fucking nuts,” I said.  He cringed but he kept his hand at his crotch, and I became aware that I was painfully hard in my jeans.  He eyed the bulge in my pants and I eyed his monster.

The garage door slammed and we were a frenzy of hiding condoms and a condom wrapper and Conner zipping himself up and the two of us assuming a ‘relaxed’ and settled look, knowing someone in my family was now home.

I hope he came to know himself and his body, and that’s my prayer to him (and pardon my pillaging of Enigma), that the path of excess led him to the tower of wisdom.

Sex and Politics

Quid pro quo.  Something for something.  It’s the nature of negotiations and compromise.  It’s human nature and we want, and we give.

But it’s deliciously entertaining when my favorite hypocritical and self-righteous political party airs their ideology so… publicly, such as Republican Assemblyman Michael Duvall, who was thought the mike was off and he recounted his marital indiscretions with a lobbyist (yes, I know, the epitome of cliché, a lobbyist who would even THINK of fucking his/her way through a deal).

Duvall, speaking to a relatively mum Republican colleague seated to his left, apparently had no idea his dais microphone became live beginning about a minute before the start of a cable-televised committee hearing. He was captured in the middle of recounting portions of an affair.

“She wears little eye-patch underwear,” said Duvall, who is married with two children. “So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday–a lot! And so she’ll, she’s all, ‘I am going up and down the stairs, and you’re dripping out of me!’ So messy!” (http://www.calitics.com/)

Class act.  Almost makes me want to go out and share my family values with a prostitute – kind of like Senator David Vitter.  I’m just waiting for the Mormons to have their huge scandals:  various positions aside from the strict missionary, dry humping, and excessive Marriott overnighters to view p.o.r.n.  Who am I kidding – Mormons are fucking around just like everyone else.

Oh Yeah, I Has a Blog

Dejá blog, eh?  Same blog, different day?  This blog post reminds me of a dream I don’t remember.  Yes, I’m being ridiculous.

I’ve had a few things on my mind this past week, such as death by aspiration, becoming a pseudo-Mormon for a month, and some interesting blasts from the past.  Let’s take them in order, shall we?

Late last Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, roughly (literally and figuratively) 2:00a.m., I instantly woke up because I could feel acid coming up my throat.  In seconds I was out of bed and coming around to Scott’s side, trying to breath but air wasn’t happening either in or out.  Aspiration 101, ladies and gentlemen.  I had the phone in my hands while Scott was waking up, freaking out because he didn’t know what was happening to me – me, naked (granted, I always sleep naked), holding the phone for him, the other hand doing the universal “I can’t fucking breath and I’m going to die in my bedroom because my stomach acted like a geyser right up my throat” gesture.  I’m not sure if I relaxed my throat or if my body figured out how to breath, but suddenly there was air and a hell of a lot of coughing.  By that time I was in the bathroom, spitting in a sink and coughing and shaking for the next half hour.  I didn’t get a lot of sleep the rest of the night.  When I got up my voice was deeper and all fucked up in a “self induced damage by acid” kind of way.  Too bad it only lasted a day (the deeper and sexier part).  I went to the doc on Wednesday.

Other than the fact I had been eating/drinking everything wrong for me, I had been doing pretty okay in the stomach department.  Since changing jobs, my stress has lessened, but it’s certainly not gone.  The doc said something pretty convincing for me:  if I didn’t give my stomach a chance to heal, they’d go in and scope me out for ulcers in a month.  I had a month to “be good” or I could expect to be on much more serious meds in the future. This casual discussion took place in roughly three minutes.  Three minutes, in which many of my life’s patterns would be changed, cold-turkey, for a month while I practice pseudo-Mormonism – I’m going to Hell for lowering myself to their standards, but I digress.  Yes, for one month I would eschew the Holy Trinity of Divine Pleasures:  coffee, alcohol, and carbonated beverages.  I can proudly say that it’s day 5 and I haven’t killed anyone.  The caffeine withdrawl-based headache was only on day 1.  I’ve lost three pounds and my goal is fifteen, total.

Lastly, blasts from the past.  Reconnections on Facebook (the Borg of the Internets) – and several deletions.  An email from a former co-worker.  Color me shocked, but she and my former team stood up for me big time when a certain manager disparaged me regarding any of the recommendations, workflows and best practices I had left were ever mentioned.  I’m stunned, simply stunned, I say.  It’s a nice feeling that they considered me a good manager – someone who supported them not only as individuals but as team members.

So two questions for ya:  have you ever almost died, and what would/could you give up for a month (thou shalt not invoke Lent, puh-lease).

Congratulations to Iowa

News Release
For Immediate Release: April 3, 2008
Senate Majority Leader Mike Gronstal
House Speaker Pat Murphy

Iowa continues to be a leader in guaranteeing civil rights.

This is a joint statement from Iowa Senate Majority Leader Mike Gronstal and Iowa House Speaker Pat Murphy on today’s Supreme Court decision:

“Thanks to today’s decision, Iowa continues to be a leader in guaranteeing all of our citizens’ equal rights.

“The court has ruled today that when two Iowans promise to share their lives together, state law will respect that commitment, regardless of whether the couple is gay or straight.

“When all is said and done, we believe the only lasting question about today’s events will be why it took us so long. It is a tough question to answer because treating everyone fairly is really a matter of Iowa common sense and Iowa common decency.

“Today, the Iowa Supreme Court has reaffirmed those Iowa values by ruling that gay and lesbian Iowans have all the same rights and responsibilities of citizenship as any other Iowan.

“Iowa has always been a leader in the area of civil rights.

“In 1839, the Iowa Supreme Court rejected slavery in a decision that found that a slave named Ralph became free when he stepped on Iowa soil, 26 years before the end of the Civil War decided the issue.

“In 1868, the Iowa Supreme Court ruled that racially segregated “separate but equal” schools had no place in Iowa, 85 years before the U.S. Supreme Court reached the same decision.

“In 1873, the Iowa Supreme Court ruled against racial discrimination in public accommodations, 91 years before the U.S. Supreme Court reached the same decision.

“In 1869, Iowa became the first state in the union to admit women to the practice of law.

“In the case of recognizing loving relationships between two adults, the Iowa Supreme Court is once again taking a leadership position on civil rights.

“Today, we congratulate the thousands of Iowans who now can express their love for each other and have it recognized by our laws.”

_______

The funny sounds in the background are of Mormon leaders gasping for breath.  May their hearts give out, the hintless fucks.

Donny Osmond

Mr. Donny Osmond, one of the world’s most famous living Mormons, is asked by a fan how he “as a Christian treats your [gay] friends who consider themselves married”.

Donny, sans Marie, had this to say:

“There are many gay individuals that are members of our church. I know many of them. In fact, some of my best friends are gay. You ask how I react regarding their marriages. Well, I do support our Church leaders who say that we can accept those with gay tendencies in our church as long as they do not act upon their temptations. Everyone has tenancies to succumb to temptation, but we all have the same standard given to us by our Father in Heaven. Whether we may be tempted to be immoral with members of our own sex or of the opposite sex, we are expected to live chaste lives. This is very well explained not only in the Book of Mormon, but in the Bible as well.”

Translation:

There are very few out-and-proud gay members in the Mormon church, because anyone with an ounce of self-respect would have left long ago.  Osmond thinks he’s tight with these gay Mormon members – highly implausible.  His best gay Mormon friends probably hate his guts if they read his crap.  Osmond would kill himself if his Church leaders asked him to.  Mormons think being gay is a choice.  Mormons tolerate gay people as long as they are celibate and silent, but will gladly take their tithing money to push their immoral and political endeavors.

Donny Osmond and his abominable, bigotted fans can fuck off and take their purple socks with them.

Mormon Public Relations

From Americablog:

When your biggest negatives are that people think you’re pushy, rich, secretive, weird, and hell-bent on imposing your seemingly-cultish way of life on them, the last thing you should do is use gobs of money to force your views on millions of others. It’s not clear what the Mormons were thinking, but in the process, they may have made a few friends on the religious right – friends who still think the Mormons are a cult, mind you (even the Mormon’s evangelical “allies” have this to say about them, “Our theological differences with Mormonism are, frankly, unbridgeable”) – but they’ve just convinced millions of other Americans that they’re hateful heavy-handed bigots.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  I know that Mormons love any kind of attention but Prop 8 is going to bite them in the ass for a very long time.  This kind of attention is going to be the equivalent of hemorrohoidal public-relations.

May they itch and burn for decades.

After the Flood

“What religion or reason
Could drive a man to forsake his lover”
-from Erasure’s “A Little Respect

I left organized religion at an early age:  twelve.  Full disclosure here, my exit was motivated by the bishop who told me to “not come back” because I had been talking during the opening prayer, but I actively chose this wonderfully open-ended imperative as a gift.  My mother was horrified, of course, but by all the gods, I was free of Mormondom.  In my teens, I was already outside of institutions that called homosexuality sinful and wrong.  Like the conversations I had with my parents and family when I was eight (“why am I being baptised to wash away sin if I haven’t done anything yet?”), I asked myself as a young adult how my existence could be evil and wrong?  I looked like my peers.  I acted like my peers.  Frankly, I didn’t see the big deal about being attracted to another guy, and it felt quite natural, not wrong in any way, to be attracted to biceps, butts, and penii.  Sexuality wasn’t something I chose – it just was – like the color of my hazel-green eyes.  By the time I was in my twenties, my religion became my fellow man, with less focus on the peen and an appreciation for (and please pardon the slight pun) the total package of what it is to be a man who loves men.

Ten years ago, I left the social anomoly that is Utah.  Life behind the Zion Curtain is stifled by about 10-15 social years, and closer to 50 if you consider their perceptions of sexuality.  I was done with the returned missionaries, the closeted bishops and brethren, the ex-partners and their extended Mormon families that took great pains to include and exclude us at family gatherings.  As I snidely mentioned to K8 recently, I didn’t have to worry about being “temple worthy”:  the culture was rife with secrets and being secretive, and I had ample experiences helping the Mormon gods-in-training removing their sacred garments to love, man to man, skin to skin.  Naked, closeted, Mormon-man kind of sex.  I figured my “hate the sin” actions were approved and sanctioned, by proxy.  I had zero interest in baptizing the dead because I was fucking the very active and living.  I often wondered how their Sunday mornings went for them.  My own guilt was assuaged.

Here I am, years later, living in the Bay area with my life partner.  We were at the Berkeley Botanical gardens on Sunday morning with thirty other gay men, most of them couples.  We were all openly affectionate, holding hands or an arm across the shoulder of our partners.  It was Berkeley, so none of the families or garden attendees outside of our group even blinked at us.  Most nodded and smiled as we passed.  I remember holding Scott’s hand as we walked under maples, redwoods, cedars and trees from all over the world.  Our guide said several times that there were no accidents in nature (though he obviously never met my family).  I thought on those words when he showed rare cacti that had been cut down by a flood, but had grown back against all odds, somehow growing from the remains of the roots deep in the ground on a sheer slope.  After this battle of Proposition 8, we are not “cut down” or removed.  No.  We belong here as much as anyone else.  We are a part of nature, a part of all the gods’ plans, and we love on against all odds.

Within a canyon that is unique to all the world, containing thirty two acres of lush flora, I had a chance to let rage rest and think on the many blessings since election day.  Yes, blessings.  Gay rights are a now a national conversation.  Societies grow and change and progress when conversations extend beyond immediate communities.  Sexuality is no longer “in the closet” – that topic is out there, loud and clear.  A speaker at the SF rally said something to the effect that “the right wing teach that sexuality is a miracle.  But that miracle, like explaining popcorn, is less a mystery once you explain how it works.”  The social dark ages should have ended with the invention of the printing press – something Mormons should be VERY well versed in, since their founding Prophet was killed for ordering the destruction of printing presses that had or were about to reveal his adulterous activities.  Isn’t irony grand?

More blessings?  The Mormon and Catholic churches tried to control the “moral” conversation and it exploded in their face.  Some of the byproduct of this explosion included an acute examination of their teachings, their business ownership, and their history.  By their fruits ye shall know them, indeed.  Our GLTBQ tribe withstood their flood and grew stronger for it.  We are united and have found our voices and we will not be stifled or trifled.  We’re here.  We’ve always been here.

Proposition 8 Endorsers: Bigots

Think about these groups or individuals the next time you may be in contact with them.  These are the entities that channeled money into the Proposition 8 campaign.  True, the Mormon church funneled the majority of money into Prop 8 and will never be forgiven for placing religious bigotry into the California state constitution, but let’s not forget any of the other dickless wonders and twat monkeys.

I hope they chafe and bleed every time they fuck their unholy scriptures.  I hope they continue to hemorrhage through social ostracizing and public humiliation.

Organizational Endorsements (aka – Bigots, Inc.)

Active Christian Media
Advocates for Faith and Freedom
Agudath Israel of California
Alliance Defense Fund, serving as Legal Counsel
American Family Association
American Veterans Christian Alliance
Americas Hope
Armineh Chelebian for State Assembly 40th AD
Association of Christian Schools International, Northern and Southern Districts of CA
Bakersfield Republican Assembly
Bethel Baptist Academy
Brethren in Christ Church Pacific Conference
California Catholic Conference of Bishops
California Catholic Women’s Forum
California Family Alliance
California Family Council
Capitol Resource Institute
Catholics at Work
Catholics for Protectmarriage.com
Catholics for the Common Good
Celebration Center, Modesto, CA
Center for Reclaiming America
CFFC-LA
Christians OnDemand
Communities of Western Washington African American Healthy Marriage Initiative
Comunidad Cristiana Internacional Campus Los Angeles
Seasoned Sisters
Bill and Pam Farrel Marriage and Family Communicators
National Organization for Marriage
FHR
Christian Citizenship Council of San Diego
Christian Educators Association International
Christian Examiner Newspaper
Concerned Women for America
Confraternidad Hispaña Bautista de California (Hispanic Southern Baptist Fellowship)
Coral Ridge Ministries
Creation Research of North America
Creation Research of the North Coast
Dobbins/Oregon House Action Committee
Duncan Hunter for 52nd Congressional District
Eagle Forum of California
Eagle Forum of Sacramento
East County Refuge Center
El Camino Christian Fellowship
ElectionForum.org
Evidence for God from Science
Faith2Action
Faith 316
Family Leader Network
Family Research Council
Father Neil W. Seidl Council # 13672
Focus on the Family
Foursquare International
G51 Group
Golden State Association of Christian Schools
Government for the People
Holistic Integrated Services Foundation (HIS), Fullerton
Home Fellowship
Iglesia de la Colina – RCA
Ignite Youth/New Wine Church
Institute for Families and Taxpayers
Jewish New Testament Publications, Inc.
Kerigma Entertainment
Knights of Columbus Council #3052
Knights of Columbus Frances Cabrini Council #8879
Knights of Columbus St. Elizabeth Council #8747, Milpitas
Knights of Columbus St. Michael’s of Marin Council #10530, Novato
Knights of Columbus Council #12887, Roseville
Knights of Columbus Council #11724, Sacramento
Knights of Columbus Orange County
Knights of Columbus San Jose
Knights of Columbus St. Raphael Council #1292, San Rafael
Koinonia Sports & Fitness Assoc.
La Familia Hispana
Legacy Law Foundation
Liberty Counsel
Life After Foster Care
Los Angeles Community Builders Inc
Lydia Gutierrez for State Senate
Marriage and Parenting Students of Christ (MAPS)
Meridian Magazine
Network of Politically Active Christians
North Coast Republican Club
One Heart Foundation
Organized Business Council
Orthodox Union
Pacific Justice Institute
Pastors Rapid Response Team (Pastors in Coalition with ProtectMarriage.com)
Preserve Liberty
Proposition 22 Legal Defense and Education Fund
Public Awareness Ministries
Rancho Bernardo Baptist Church
Rancho Del Rey Church
RelayFast08
Republican Party of Riverside County
Revive Indonesia
Sacramento District Church of the Nazarene
SanDiegoAnglicans.com
Sonoma County Republican Party
Southbay Crossing
St. Mary’s Charismatic Prayer Group
The Center for Teaching the Constitution
The Holy Name Society
The Knights of Columbus, Council 1346, San Mateo, CA
The River Worship Center
The Rock of Roseville
The Western Center for Law & Policy
Traditional Family Coalition
Traditional Values Coalition
Trinity Life Solutions
NorthBay Neonatology Associates, Inc.
Families First Counseling Services
Ebmeyer Charter & Tour
Superior Organizing Services
Ventura County Christian Leadership Council
Come Let Us Reason
Environmental Geology Services
54th AD Republican Central Committee
United Families California
Values Advocacy Council
VOCAL Californians for the Preservation of Family & Marriage
Wycliffe Bible Translators, Temecula

Public Officials (aka, elected Bigots)

State Senators

Senator Dick Ackerman
Senator Sam Aanestad
Senator Roy Ashburn
Senator James Battin, Jr.
Senator Dave Cogdill
Senator Dave Cox
Senator Jeff Denham
Senator Bob Dutton
Senator Tom Harman
Senator Dennis Hollingsworth
Senator Abel Maldonado
Senator Bob Margett
Senator Tom McClintock
Senator George Runner
Senator Mark Wyland

Assembly Members

Assemblyman Greg Aghzarian
Assemblyman Joel Anderson
Assemblyman John Benoit
Assemblyman Chuck Devore
Assemblyman Bill Emmerson
Assemblyman Guy Houston
Assemblyman Bob Huff
Assemblyman Rick Keene
Assemblyman Doug LaMalfa
Assemblyman Bill Maze
Assemblyman Mike Duvall
Assemblyman Alan Nakanishi
Assemblyman Roger Niello
Assemblyman George Plescia
Assemblywoman Sharon Runner
Assemblywoman Audra Strickland
Assemblyman Van Tran
Assemblyman Michael Villines
Assemblywoman Mimi Walters

Local Elected Officials

Mayor Candace Andersen, Town of Danville
Mayor Neil C. Blais, City of Rancho Santa Margarita
Michael Calta, Chino Valley Unified School District
Dick Daniels, Escondido Councilmember
Mayor Curt Hagman, City of Chino Hills
San Diego County Supervisor, Bill Horn (District 5)
Mayor Eric King, City of Folsom
Mayor Pro-Tem Dan Kirby, City of Monrovia
Placer County Supervisor Bruze Kranz (District 5)
Imperial County Supervisor Wally Leimgruber (District 5)
San Bernadino County Supervisor Brad Mitzelfel (District 1)
Linda Lindholm- Laguna Niguel Councilmember
Mayor Jeff Miller, City of Corona
Mayor Pro Tem Leroy Mills, City of Cypress
Mayor Pro Tem Robert Ming, City of Laguna Niguel
Mayor Randall Norton, Town of Duncan
Mayor Curt Pringle, City of Anaheim
Frank Ury- Mission Viejo Councilmember
Mayor Todd Seymore, City of Cypress
Mike Spence, West Covina Unified School Board Member
Mayor Pro Tem Justin White, City of Chowchilla
Marie Waldron, Escondido Councilmember
Mayor Dennis Yates, City of Chino

Other Public Officials

Ken Campbell, Placer County Republican Chairman
Former Assemblyman Ray Haynes
Former Assemblyman Tim Leslie

Mormon Home Invasion

Cute, but ultimately spot-on frightening.  This is what happens if Proposition 8 passes.

Dark Update

Scott and I ultimately decided we didn’t want to feel rushed to get married just because the fucking Mormons are on their delusional rampage.  We want to do it right, not do it because we’re pressured to do so.  We have our domestic partnership, we have each other.  Even if Mormons win their precious Proposition 8 battle, they’ve lost the bigger war.  Love prevails, and love is something Mormons don’t have in their so-called Christian world.  They also don’t have porn (except at Marriott hotels).  Fuck ‘em.

Starting on Friday at midnight (Halloween), I gave myself the gift of time:  no games (PC, console, hand-held, nada).  One month to write when I can and stay focused on a book.  I’m on day two of Nanowrimo, and I’m feeling comfortable.  For the record, I’m writing within an arcing story-line, and the November goal is book 1 of 3.

I’ve left the stained glass in the workshop and I haven’t pulled out yarn yet.  I have started learning a scripting language, but that knowing will be long-term, and I’m okay with taking months to figure it out.

No matter our intentions, life has a way of building our paths as we go.  The work re-implementation is not going to happen any time soon.  I could be the biggest cheerleader and motivator in the world, but the fact is there are several key vacancies, and Friday brought really horrible news of a co-worker’s fiance dying of a heart attack.  He was 23.  The department needs solace and comfort right now and nothing else.

I did go to Utahrd in October and I had a great time.  Sister Mary Lisa was there, and it was so damn good to see her.  I got to see Lynski on multiple occassions for deep talking and great meals.  At a party in Pleasant Grove (yes – who the fuck goes to Utah to party in Pleasant Grove – yeah, that’d be me.), I met other splendid folks, but please don’t ask me to link them because I’m an ornery bastard and getting tired of typing (love you, friends!).  My favorite word for the evening was “boobies.”  I met some folks from Ex-Mormon boards (FLAK, RfM, Post-Mormon) and from the ExMormon conference.  I did not attend the conference – I only met some folks at a bar and got hit on by a stupid twat monkey that bemoaned the fact that “all the cute ones are gay or married.”  Yeah, bitch, next time don’t wear a red dress and look like you’re ready to do the horizontal ramba right after you say “hi” to someone.

I may be over my need for a blogging break.  It feels good to be blogging, peoples, and thank you for your wondermous comments in my mental absence.

Hugs and love.