Alanis Morissette: Crazy

I love this woman, and this is one of my all-time favorite songs.

In Search of Sanctuary

This blogger has not been very attentive.  I’m very sorry.  I have attempted this post a dozen times, editing, deleting, then re-writing – three hours and counting.  I turned off I-Tunes and Pandora, but left Rhapsody streaming an assortment of favorites.  Fair warning – this ride has no seat belts and random WILL happen… you have been warned.  Anything at this point, including the kitchen sink, to keep me writing.

“It’s not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right” – Maroon 5

I might feign a coy post about writing and not writing.  Maybe I could appeal to the animal lovers and recount Midas’ first foray to the ocean – he ran parallel to the beach but looked mighty suspicious of the incoming waves.  When we arrived it was windy and foggy and I felt seriously underdressed with a long sleeve shirt.  After an hour of playing along the beach and hiking the local bluffs, the sun burned off the fog and I enjoyed the sunlight.  I drank then gave the remainder of my bottled water to Midas, pouring small amounts and letting him lap it from my hand.  He curled up on the beach towel with me and kept an eye out for the seagulls that I encouraged him to think were ducks.  I wiped the drying sand from my feet and remembered stories of dreams and endless deserts and worlds innumerable and I felt tired.

“If all were there when we first took the pill,
Then maybe, then maybe, then maybe, then maybe…
Miracles will happen as we speak.” – Seal

I thought a lot about the space I nourish or neglect in myself for writing.  I thought about this blog-space which is/was my writing sanctuary, but I’ve let myself be distracted:  work, family, relationships, health, home.  When I lay on the beach, sand and salt on my skin, memories of other times and places that shared healing overlay the sun and blue sky.  For all my love of fiction and writing, the focus here at Sanctuary has been deeply, intensely personal, but I worry that I’ve plumbed the depths enough that I’m empty.  What if I had bleached out my sense of self, bone-white, like the shells that washed up near us?  What if I have shared too much or arrived at a point where I don’t feel like sharing further?  What if I need more structure and self-moderated doses before I dip my toes again?  Could I be a bigger whiny bastard?  (Please note that sand and sandals are NOT a good idea.)  Would that self-doubt could be silenced with a seashell up to the ear – comfort in the subtle roar of illusory oceans.

“As street lamps pour orange coloured shapes through your window,
a broken soul stares from a pair of watering eyes,
uncertain emotions force an uncertain smile…
I’ve got you under my skin where the rain can’t get in,
but if the sweat pours out, just shout I’ll try to swim and pull you out.” – The The

Postscript:  I’ve had epiphanies at the ocean’s edge before – some life changing, some affirming.  My intention that day with Midas was to hike and play ball along the beach, not to sit in the sun in a self-induced cloud of sunscreen wearing one of TLC’s Pussy Caps and a half-smile.  In the end, that’s what reeled me back in and brought me the most comfort – “I will not die with the words still inside me.”  (Thank you, thank you, thank you, Tom.)  If I have a religion, those words are the closest to what I’d practice, and I’m not dead yet.

“In the distance on the shifting sea, a thousand coloured sails
Is this the moment you made? Is this the way that you planned?” – Icehouse

List: Feast of Fiction

In alphabetical order by author, I give you my list of Fantasy series favorites.  If you’re so inclined, leave a comment about your favorites here, or if you have favorites you’d like to share.  Sharing is good.  Cher is good, too, but I digress.

Prydain Chronicles – Lloyd Alexander

• The Book of Three
• The Black Cauldron
• The Castle of Llyr
• Taran Wanderer
• The High King

I read Alexander’s series in middle school, again in high school, later in my twenties, and recently within the last two years.  The Welsh mythology-based series is a coming-of-age tale for Taran, the Assistant Pig-Farmer, and his battles against the war lord Arawn.

The Mists of Avalon – Marion Zimmer Bradley

Growing up inside the Zion curtain and its patriarchal heirachy and expectations, this book opened windows and doors to explore feminism, sexuality, and spirituality.  In this work by Bradley, she recounts the Arthurian tales told through Morgaine’s perspective.

The Mortal Instruments – Cassandra Clare

• City of Bones
• City of Ashes
• City of Glass

There are times I reread entire pages and chapters – Clare’s writing is compact, expressive, adept, and exhilarating.  The coming-of-age series is about a young woman who discovers she is a Shadowhunter of angelic descent, that her own mother hid her history and inherent gifts from her, and that she was born to destroy demons.

Banned and the Banished – James Clemens

• Wit’ch Fire
• Wit’ch Storm
• Wit’ch War
• Wit’ch Gate
• Wit’ch Star

The first book set the pace – fantastic and memorable characters from page one involved in an epic struggle against evil.  I prayed to all the gods that Clemens wouldn’t die before he finished the series (he’s quite alive).  Clemens weaves horror and thriller elements into a high-fantasy world of unique magic, elves, and swords.  Another memorable is that I “found” Clemens’ email on the internets, wrote to him, and he wrote back!  We’ve been in contact since the late 90’s.

Wraeththu Chronicles – Storm Constantine

• The Enchantments of Flesh and Spirit
• The Bewitchments of Love and Hate
• The Fulfilments of Fate and Desire

Post-apocalyptic Earth of magic and technology.  Constantine explores a rich world of the Wraeththu, a genetically evolved and superior race that challenge the normative concept of gender and sexuality.  What is constant are the over-arching explorations of relationships, power, and spirituality.

Coldfire Trilogy – C. S. Friedman

• Black Sun Rising
• When True Night Falls
• Crown of Shadows

Never have I loved a character (Tarrant) to be so purely evil while so tantalizingly redemptive.  Signed print of the book cover by artist Michael Whalen.

The Sandman graphic novels – Neil Gaiman

• Preludes and Nocturnes
• The Doll’s House
• Dream Country
• Season of Mists
• A Game of You
• Fables and Reflections
• Brief Lives
• World’s End
• The Kindly ones
• The Wake

THE Fantasy Bible, in manageable volumes.  Gaiman’s seven archetypal Endless siblings and their worlds was/is a literary earthquake.  I laughed, I cried.  I was horrified and I was at peace.  There is nothing like this series in the universe.

Fionavar Tapestry – Guy Gavriel Kay

• The Summer Tree
• The Wandering Fire
• The Darkest Road

Epic high fantasy.  This series made me realize the smallness and stark black and white world of Tolkien’s.  Within this Tapestry Kay weaves Arthurian elements and sub-plots.  This series had me weeping from the pure beauty of Kay’s writing.  There is a scene towards the end of “The Darkest Road” that had me sobbing.

A Wrinkle in Time – Madeleine L’Engle

To be a third grade child again and listen to Mrs. Ririe say “tesseract” and imagine space folding and unfolding.

A Wizard of Earthsea – Ursula K. Le Guin

The story of Shadowhawk, which is less about magic and more about fighting and reconciling the shadow within ourselves.

Riddlemaster Trilogy – Patricia K. McKillip

• Riddlemaster of Hed
• Heir of Sea and Fire
• Harpist in the Wind

Morgan, a middle child and simple farmer in a land called Hed, was born with three stars on his forehead.  The reluctant hero eventually finds a harp and sword, each bearing matching stars.  He will travel the world to discover himself.  I’ve reread this series at least six times, each time enjoying it just as much.

His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman

• The Golden Compass
• The Subtle Knife
• The Amber Spyglass

Families we have, families we choose.  Themes of God, power, religion, secrets, worlds within worlds within worlds, but the writing is the true vehicle, and Pullman drives at fierce and relentless pace.  Profane in the sense that the stories tell a universal truth, and organized religion hates when that happens.

Your turn.  Gimme something to blow my mind.

Feast of Fiction

If I haven’t been social networking (Facebook, Twitter, etc), gaming (Second Life, Sims3, Jade Empire (old Xbox game -shut up)), and certainly haven’t been blogging, then what HAVE I been doing?  You didn’t ask, but I’ve been reading.  Reading gobs and gobs.  Devouring lines, pages, chapters, books, savoring words and images and sometimes sitting back and saying “wow” and looking around for a fire extinguisher because it felt like I had a fiery orgasm.  (No, I haven’t been reading erotica, but I have some good suggestions for those inclined.)  Sometimes the story is so powerful that I cry – but I can count on two hands the times that has ever happened.

It feels good to read.  I should do more.  The call of the computer is strong, and being the king of self-distractions, I get lost in an obscene number of unnecessary side-trips.  If the most efficient path is point A to point B, my trips are usually round-the-world loopty-loops.  But with reading?  I’ll stop when my body is tired.  I’ve been known to pick up a book and not stop until I’m done – I’ve had many a put-the-book-down-with-a-sigh moments at 3:00am.  Being able to read fast helps.  I’m sure everyone measures how many pages they can read in an hour.  Some people have penis and/or reading envy – I don’t.  100+ pages an hour, baby (don’t ask the other stat).

What is it about good reading that can stop time, create feelings from words on a page, and connection and care for people that don’t exist?  What is it in those moments that I want to do the same kinds of things in my own writing?  Why do YOU read and what do YOU get out of it?

Part II of this post (I thought I’d be merciful and break up the long post) will follow.  For those inclined to reading, I’ve put together a short list of long-time favorites in terms of fantasy/fiction series.  I threw in a few stand-alones as well.  I’m a book pusher.  Go read.  You know you want to.  Everyone’s doing it.  If you were cool you’d do it, too.  Measure your… speed, too.  Return and report.

John Updike, 1932-2009

I used to mix up John Irving and John Updike. If you’re of the literary persuasion, then be dismayed, because even during my undergraduate studies I thought of them as the same person. Doesn’t everyone have a penchant to screw up the names and identities of people they’ve never met?

Today I was sad to hear about John Updike’s passing, and the first thing I thought of was the novel “The World According to Garp,” I grimaced in memory of the blowjob/accident-in-the-garage scene. No wonder religious tomes sway our collective consciousness. The power of words and imagery of something I read decades ago, something that never happened, had the ability to make me wince today. By the time I was knee-deep into the online article about Updike, I was beating myself upside the head for remembering that he wrote “Rabbit, Run” – not the Garp book that made me afraid of oral sex in parked cars. Yes, splice the meaning of the prior sentence however you’d like.

My literary heroes, icons, and villains are passing into the great beyond. Norman Mailer in 2007. Now Updike in 2009. Middle-age is here.

“I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.”
-from ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.’

Obama and Pride

When was the last time a President moved you to tears with the power and eloquence of his words and with the vision of his ideas?  Does that man have the commanding cadence of a skilled orator, or what?  He makes the speakers of an LDS General Conference sound like they’re chewing gravel in a funeral home, one dead and lifeless and uninspired speech at a time.  That’s not quite fair – a double AA battery has more life to it than an LDS General Conference.  But I digress.

President Obama. There feels a certain rightness in the world, and it feels good to be proud of our President again.  He’s not President for some of us.  He’s President for all of us.

To all those who voted for Bush (even once was too much)  – I can only wonder what you were thinking.  Let me volunteer to spank your bare hineys.  It will take decades to remove the world destruction that Bush wrought.  To the Bush clan – rest in peace and obscurity, far far away from cameras and microphones.

Gulf of Araby

Gulf of Araby, as sung by Natalie Merchant

Words and music by Katell Keineg

If you could fill a veil with shells from Killiney’s shore
And sweet talk in a tongue that is no more
And if wishful thoughts could bridge The Gulf of Araby
Between what is, what is, what is
And what can never be

If you could hold the frozen flow of New Hope Creek
And hide out from the one they said you might meet
And if you could unlearn all the words
That you never wanted heard
If you could stall the southern wind
That’s whistling in your ears
You could take what is, what is, what is
To what can never be

One man of seventy whispers free at last
Two neighbors who are proud of their massacres
Three tyrants torn away in a winter’s month
Four prisoners framed by a dirty judge
Five burned with tyres
Six men still inside
And seven more days to shake at the great divide

(X2) The Gulf, the Gulf of Araby

Well, we would plough and part the earth to bring you home
And harvest every miracle ever known
And if they laid out all the things
That these ten years were to bring
We would gladly give them up
To bring you back to us
O, there is nothing we would not give
To kiss you and to believe we could take what is, what is, what is
To what can never be

One man of seventy whispers not free yet
Two neighbors who make up knee-deep in their dead
Three tyrants torn away in the summer’s heat
Four prisoners lost in the fallacy
Five, on my life
And six, I’m dead inside
And seven more days to shake at the great divide

(X2) The Gulf, the Gulf of Araby

A Favorite Quote

“…Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

(commonly, but erroneously, attributed to Nelson Mandela’s 1994 Inaugural Speech)

The passage is from Marianne Williamson’s “A Return to Love” (1992)

YouYou

‘Tis the season to be selfless, and towards that endeavor I’m offering not a MeMe, but a YouYou. The rules are simple: for each of the bloggers below I’ve quoted a song that reminds me of them. I’m slightly OCD, so the entries are in alpha order of the folks I’ve met, and then the bloggers I’d love to meet in 2008. If you are horrified that I didn’t include your name below, please drop a line and I will add you. If you hate your song quote, let me know. If your reaction is W.T.F.?, please let me know. If your reaction is one of glee and joy, then consider yourself hugged.

Arizona Awakening
“And everything I had to know
I heard it on my radio”
Radio Ga Ga by Queen

Bishop Rick
“Don’t drink don’t smoke – what do you do?”
Goody Two Shoes by Adam and the Ants

Bull: Life in the Fast Lane
“And if I only could,
I’d make a deal with God,
And I’d get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road…”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush

Christie: Degenerate Elite
“Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.”
Deliver Me as sung by Sarah Brightman

Eric: A New Eric
“I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me”
Superman by Five for Fighting

From the Ashes
“I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now.”
Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve

Gluby’s Notes
“Semaphore out on the floor
Messages from outer space
Deep heat for the feet
And the rhythm of your heartbeat”
Hyperactive by Thomas Dolby

Jeremy: Jer Illuminated
“For they told you life is hard
Misery from the start,
It’s dull, it’s slow, it’s painful
But I tell you life is sweet
In spite of the misery”
Life is Sweet by Natalie Merchant

JulieAnn: Ravings of a Mad Woman
“With just one look I was a bad mess
‘Cos that long cool woman had it all”
Long Cool Woman (In a Black Dress) by the Hollies

Laura: La’s Self-Discovery
“I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything”
Bring Me To Life by Evanescence

Lemon Blossom’s Lemony Thoughts
“There’s no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, a state of bliss
Can’t keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I.”
Learning to Fly by Pink Floyd

POMP (Pissing Off Many People)
“Standing so close to me, the possibility
To change our destiny, I see it perfectly, moving so naturally
Nothing can stand in our way”
Le Bel Age by Pat Benatar

Sister Mary Lisa
“On my way up north up on the Ventura
I pulled back the hood and I was talking to you
and I knew then it would be a Life Long thing”
A Sorta Fairytale by Tori Amos

T. Wanker: Mormon Erotica (NSFW)
“Here we are folks
The dream we all dream off
Boy versus girl in the World Series of love
Tell me, have U got the look?”
U Got The Look by Prince

Todd’s Hammer
“Is there a cure among us
From this processed sanity
I weaken with each voice that sings
In this world of purchase
I’m going to buy back memories
To awaken some old qualities”
Run by Collective Soul

Beanie Cap Guy – TLC
“If the world should end you won’t care about that anyway.
Maybe thats the way you live your life but I know,
Life… It don’t always live that way.”
Deep Water by Seal

Cele’s ‘Oh Joy! It’s Me’
“and i shall rise from the ashes
grow like a rose from the ruins
there must be light in the darkness
hope at the end of the night”
Apollo by Alphaville

CV Rick, Ninja Writer
“My ship was meant to sail the seas
with no one making waves but me”
Set Sails Free by the Origin

Daniel the Desert Guy
“What you get is what you seek.”
Desire by Gene Loves Jezebel

Enlightened Fairy
“It takes courage to enjoy it
The hardcore and the gentle”
Big Time Sensuality by Bjork

JOOM’s Mormon Mafia
“No matter what we do
No matter what we say
We’re the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes”
Beautiful by Christina Aguilara

Sara Says…
“I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt”
One Week by Barenaked Ladies

Sierra Sage
“The water is wide, I can’t cross over
and neither I have wings to fly
give me a boat that can carry two
and both shall row – my love and I”
The Water is Wide as sung by Sarah McLachlan, Jewel, and the Indigo Girls

Whisper in the Void
“Loneliness
Is a place that I know well
It’s the distance between us
And the space inside ourselves
And emptiness….
Is the chattering in your head
It’s the call of the living
And the race from life to death
Woa and I know
Yes and I know
What you feel…”
Loneliness by Annie Lennox

Wry Catcher
“Give… me… release
Witness me,
I am outside
Give me peace
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to… believe that
I’d get caught up,
When the rage in me subsides”
Silence by Delerium, featuring Sarah McLachlan

Harry Potter and Domestic Ramble

I’m not sure how many pages there were, but I read through the 6th book in the Potter series: The Half-Blood Prince. Back when book 4 was all the rage, I stopped reading the series because I hated the interminable wait for the next one – I stopped my Potter craze, cold turkey. Book 6 and 7 came on Friday (though Amazon screwed up my order and book 6 was paperback instead of hardback, but I took one for the team and persevered). I love this series. There are hysterical, scary, tense, and angst-ridden moments that Rowling writes with ease. I have no qualms admitting that I got a bit teary-eyed towards the end. I started on book 7 immediately.

Beyond Potter, we swam, went shopping for office furniture, and Scott moved the two servers under the house. I got to move the servers down to him from above, push wires down the wall and pull out insulation – yes, very tough work.

Maybe because I have books and words and writing on the brain… today I moved books from the garage into the front bedroom. They have been untouched since last October. Scott helped me move the double bookcase and started putting books away. I wanted a “your side” and “my side” but he gave me the look and I let it go: they’re our books now (is it just English majors who get all wonky and possessive over books?). Another bookshelf is out there and books cover the floor and the queen-sized (ahem) bed, but tomorrow is another day for putting books away… because not even blogging is going to stop the rest of my evening from devouring the last Potter book.