On Healthcare

WWJD

How to Get Into Heaven (joke)

How to get to Heaven – in Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them,  ‘If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?’

‘NO!’ the children answered.

‘If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, the answer was  ‘No!’   By now I was starting to smile.

‘Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?’

Again, they all answered  ‘No!’    I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ‘ Then how can I get into heaven?’

A six year-old boy shouted out  ‘YUV GOTTAE BE FOCKN’ DEAD……….’

New Ben and Jerry Flavah

**I did not make this up – I am merely the monkey at the keyboard, relaying something I found incredibly amusing**

Ben & Jerry created “Yes Pecan!” ice cream flavor for Obama. They then asked people to fill in the blank for the following:

For George W. they created “_________”.

Here are some of their favorite responses:

Grape Depression
Abu Grape
Cluster Fudge
Nut’n Accomplished
Iraqi Road
Chock ‘n Awe
WireTapioca
Impeach Cobbler
Guantanmallow
imPeachmint
Good Riddance You Lousy Motherfucker… Swirl
Heck of a Job, Brownie!
Neocon Politan
RockyRoad to Fascism
The Reese’s-cession
Cookie D’oh!
The Housing Crunch
Nougalar Proliferation
Death by Chocolate… and Torture
Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
You’re Shitting In My Mouth And Calling It A Sundae
Credit Crunch
Mission Pecanplished
Country Pumpkin
Chunky Monkey in Chief
George Bush Doesn’t Care About Dark Chocolate
WMDelicious
Chocolate Chimp
Bloody Sundae
Caramel Preemptive? Stripe

Carry on.

The Lady and the Pharmacist

The lady asked the pharmacist, “Do you have Viagra?”

“Yes,” he answered.

She asked, “Does it work?”

“Yes,” he answered.

She said, “Can you get it over the counter?”

“I can, if I take two,” he replied.

Bush and McCain Hug

Here’s a good visual wank for Wednesday.

Compliments of the s.n.a.f.u. princple

bush mccain hug

Crack. Me. Up.

Medicine Man Potion

This story was told by a college English Professor.

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my partner. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, “This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’” the shaman responded. “But then the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. “

I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my partner to join me in the bedroom. When he came in, I took off my clothes and said, “1-2-3!”

Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

He was excited and began throwing off his clothes. And then he asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

High School Essays

A friend sent this to me and I’ve kicked it around my inbox for months. Enjoy.

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year for the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry hem in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are prone to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck.

Skillz (NSFW)

I could do that.

TGIF: Light at the Tunnel’s End

There IS light at the end of the tunnel.