Meme of 99 Have and Have Nots

For those who’ve stuck around – I’ve not exactly been active on here or in the blog world of late.  I missed my own blog anniversary but hope this attempt, in the spirit of sharing and re-entering the blogosphere, will serve as a nice capstone to three years of on and off blogging.  Many thanks to Wry Catcher and POMP – two of the most intelligent, well-written, and flat-out funny bloggers I’ve had the pleasure of encountering – for inspiring me with getting back to the tried and true – memes.

Rules are relatively simple.  Take the list (copy and paste to notepad – it will remove all bold and italic formatting).  Copy list back to Word or whatever where you then bold the items you’ve done.  Don’t bold items you haven’t done.  I liked Wry’s parenthetical commentary and incorporated that “rule” here – you can do whatever the hell you want to if you choose to play.  Here’s my list of 99 things that I have or have not done.

1. Started your own blog (Does it count if one has neglected their main one?)
2. Slept under the stars (Despite my fear of mosquitoes and getting sucked dry because I’m so sweet.)
3. Played in a band (Walking and talking or dancing (not at the same time) is my limit.)
4. Visited Hawaii (All too briefly, en route from Guam.  The highlight of that trip being a younger looking Antonio Banderas named, appropriately, ‘Peter.’)
5. Watched a meteor shower (Watching men shower is much more exciting.)
6. Given more than you can afford to charity (I’d give billions if I had billions to give.)
7. Been to Disneyland/world (Why can’t there be a day for adults only?)
8. Climbed a mountain (And on a clear day you can see forever.)
9. Held a praying mantis (And didn’t scream like a girl.)
10. Sang a solo (Only in the privacy of my own home, doors and windows locked.)
11. Bungee jumped (Why not pull my liver out through my nostrils, first?)
12. Visited Paris (Not yet, mon amis.)
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea (On the banks of the Great Salt Lake will NEVER count.)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (I can crochet scarfs, hot pads, and cock warmers.)
15. Adopted a child (Not yet, anyway.)
16. Had food poisoning (Taco Bell, In-N-Out Burger… and I still go back.)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty (Seems strangely obscene to be inside a representation of liberty.)
18. Grown your own vegetables (Proxy accomplishment via Scott’s green thumb.)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France (How could this possibly compete with the wonder that is porn?)
20. Slept on an overnight train (Full moon, snowstorm, and going through the Sierra Nevadas past Mt. Shasta on the way to Oregon, with Scott.)
21. Had a pillow fight (You haven’t lived until you’ve beaned someone upside the head with a bunch of feathers inside a pillow case.)
22. Hitch hiked (I was a good kid and didn’t talk to strangers nor run away.)
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (These kinds of days are randomly required to deal with life.)
24. Built a snow fort (And somehow never learned how to ski whilst being imprisoned in Utah.)
25. Held a lamb (Does a gyro count?)
26. Gone skinny dipping (Our pool is clothing optional, unless you’re hawt, then it’s mandatory.)
27. Run a Marathon (Running, like Mormonism, is a cult, I say.)
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice (Loves me some Italy, but I have yet to hit Venice.)
29. Seen a total eclipse (And lunar, too.)
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset (Whoever wrote this meme lived underground in captivity, right?)
31. Hit a home run (Later with the team captain, too – Woo hoo!)
32. Been on a cruise (Mediterranean gay cruise – Spain, Italy, Greece, Turkey.  2000 gay men, all prone to moments of spontaneous “fabulous!” – and it was fantastic.)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person (Only on TV, and always hopeful to see someone going over the edge in a barrel.)
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (Place of conception:  Thermopolis, Wyoming.  No wonder I’m hot-headed, passionate and obstinate.)
35. Seen an Amish community (What goes “clip clop, clip clop, bang!, clip clop, clip clop”?  An Amish drive-by.)
36. Taught yourself a new language (I can swear in Spanish (minor in college), Farsi, Greek, and pig-latin.)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (I be one happy and sated man, but more would help friends and family.)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person (And tried to tip it over but it wouldn’t budge.)
39. Gone rock climbing (Me and ropes and gravity?  I’ll leave the BDSM gear in the bedroom, thank you.)
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David (Never has a piece of marble looked so lickable.)
41. Sung karaoke (I’d have to be drunk on vodka, Valium AND Vicadin.)
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt (Nature’s money shot.)
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant (I have a weakness for little old men or women eating dinner by themselves – I’ve paid tabs anonymously.)
44. Visited Africa (It’s on my travel list.)
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight (Yes.  Whoever thought beaches and love makin’ was a good combo was an idiot – or they had a high tolerance for sand and chaffing.)
46. Been transported in an ambulance (No thanks.)
47. Had your portrait painted (Drawn.  SML did a great job.)
48. Gone deep sea fishing (I don’t like deep water, nor fishing.)
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person (Impressive, except the damn priests shushing people – bastards should take an oath of silence and shut the fuck up, starting with their Nazi Pope. (See, I pick on more than Mormons.))
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (No and no interest – the stupid James Bond movies ruined the sentiment for me.)
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling (Claustrophobic and way terrified of drowning.)
52. Kissed in the rain (Kissing, rain or shine, is a good thing.)
53. Played in the mud (And masques are great, too.)
54. Gone to a drive-in theater (I remember seeing the Aristocats on the top of the family Blazer, circa 70’s.)
55. Been in a movie (Homemade videos do not count.)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China (Great buffet.)
57. Started a business (Twice.  Might do it again some day.)
58. Taken a martial arts class (Tai chi, but I’m a lover, not a fighter.)
59. Visited Russia (I’m cravin’ me some vodka.)
60. Served at a soup kitchen (No soup for you!)
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (Chocolate Thin Mints, please.)
62. Gone whale watching (I want to do an Alaskan cruise.)
63. Gotten flowers for no reason (My man loves me.)
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma (Don’t get me started on how discriminatory this is for the gay community – even those of us in monogamous relationships, we can’t give blood without LYING and saying we’re straight.)
65. Gone sky diving (Right after my liver is removed through my nostrils, just push my body out the hatch, kthx.)
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp (The Holocaust memorial in DC is the closest I’ll ever come to a concentration camp, unless Mormons take over the world and try putting gay men and women into them.)
67. Bounced a check (In my earlier years where I was less fiscally responsible.  Stop it.  I’m serious as a heart attack.)
68. Flown in a helicopter (Not even for a porn version of M.A.S.H.)
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (Comics, cars, mementos, all packed neatly in an antique pinewood box.)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial (Holy temple of liberty and freedom.)
71. Eaten Caviar (Ick.  I can barely handle the little orange fish egg things on sushi.)
72. Pieced a quilt (Crochet is my speed – the needles are not pointy and dangerous.)
73. Stood in Times Square (Twice, and stumbled both times.  Tequila flashback.)
74. Toured the Everglades (Alligators or crocodile things are there.  Definite no.)
75. Been fired from a job (Amazingly, no, not even when I came out to a closeted Mormon boss.  Dodged more than one bullet on that one.)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London (If it included a costume change, I might be more interested.)
77. Broken a bone (Never, which is stunning when you consider my issues with gravity and accidents.)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle (As both driver and passenger – I grew up with motorcycles, 3-wheelers and 4-wheelers.)
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person (The place needs a name that does it justice.)
80. Published a book (Workin’ on it.)
81. Visited the Vatican (And held hands with my partner and kissed him and God didn’t strike us dead.)
82. Bought a brand new car (Four times now.  New leather smell is intoxicating.)
83. Walked in Jerusalem (God needs to take it away from everyone until her children can learn to play together.)
84. Had your picture in the newspaper (As a child, there was some article about Mother’s Day.  Cute, but so not newsworthy.)
85. Read the entire Bible (I could only deal with a porn or Broadway version.  A blend of both would be fine.)
86. Visited the White House (And wasn’t arrested or detained, even.)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (No.  I can’t even touch hamburger in a package.)
88. Had chickenpox (And measles and mumps.)
89. Saved someone’s life (I’d do anything for my friends.)
90. Sat on a jury (Insert corrected phrase of “hung jurist” – kidding.)
91. Met someone famous (The Osmonds don’t count!)
92. Joined a book club (Any social gathering involving wine and good conversation works for me.)
93. Lost a loved one (May they be walking with the gods.)
94. Had a baby (I’ll take C-Section (instead of watermelon through a tube) for $5000, Alex.)
95. Seen the Alamo in person (Saw PeeWee Herman’s bike and the basement, too.)
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake (Does wading out naked a quarter mile up to my calves count?)
97. Been involved in a lawsuit (No, but it’s not too late to sue Bush and his cronies for crimes against humanity.)
98. Owned a cell phone (Next evolution cycle, people will be born with them.)
99. Been stung by a bee (Why aren’t there interesting questions like, “have you ever pissed on an electric fence?”)

Donny Osmond

Mr. Donny Osmond, one of the world’s most famous living Mormons, is asked by a fan how he “as a Christian treats your [gay] friends who consider themselves married”.

Donny, sans Marie, had this to say:

“There are many gay individuals that are members of our church. I know many of them. In fact, some of my best friends are gay. You ask how I react regarding their marriages. Well, I do support our Church leaders who say that we can accept those with gay tendencies in our church as long as they do not act upon their temptations. Everyone has tenancies to succumb to temptation, but we all have the same standard given to us by our Father in Heaven. Whether we may be tempted to be immoral with members of our own sex or of the opposite sex, we are expected to live chaste lives. This is very well explained not only in the Book of Mormon, but in the Bible as well.”

Translation:

There are very few out-and-proud gay members in the Mormon church, because anyone with an ounce of self-respect would have left long ago.  Osmond thinks he’s tight with these gay Mormon members – highly implausible.  His best gay Mormon friends probably hate his guts if they read his crap.  Osmond would kill himself if his Church leaders asked him to.  Mormons think being gay is a choice.  Mormons tolerate gay people as long as they are celibate and silent, but will gladly take their tithing money to push their immoral and political endeavors.

Donny Osmond and his abominable, bigotted fans can fuck off and take their purple socks with them.

Dark Update

Scott and I ultimately decided we didn’t want to feel rushed to get married just because the fucking Mormons are on their delusional rampage.  We want to do it right, not do it because we’re pressured to do so.  We have our domestic partnership, we have each other.  Even if Mormons win their precious Proposition 8 battle, they’ve lost the bigger war.  Love prevails, and love is something Mormons don’t have in their so-called Christian world.  They also don’t have porn (except at Marriott hotels).  Fuck ‘em.

Starting on Friday at midnight (Halloween), I gave myself the gift of time:  no games (PC, console, hand-held, nada).  One month to write when I can and stay focused on a book.  I’m on day two of Nanowrimo, and I’m feeling comfortable.  For the record, I’m writing within an arcing story-line, and the November goal is book 1 of 3.

I’ve left the stained glass in the workshop and I haven’t pulled out yarn yet.  I have started learning a scripting language, but that knowing will be long-term, and I’m okay with taking months to figure it out.

No matter our intentions, life has a way of building our paths as we go.  The work re-implementation is not going to happen any time soon.  I could be the biggest cheerleader and motivator in the world, but the fact is there are several key vacancies, and Friday brought really horrible news of a co-worker’s fiance dying of a heart attack.  He was 23.  The department needs solace and comfort right now and nothing else.

I did go to Utahrd in October and I had a great time.  Sister Mary Lisa was there, and it was so damn good to see her.  I got to see Lynski on multiple occassions for deep talking and great meals.  At a party in Pleasant Grove (yes – who the fuck goes to Utah to party in Pleasant Grove – yeah, that’d be me.), I met other splendid folks, but please don’t ask me to link them because I’m an ornery bastard and getting tired of typing (love you, friends!).  My favorite word for the evening was “boobies.”  I met some folks from Ex-Mormon boards (FLAK, RfM, Post-Mormon) and from the ExMormon conference.  I did not attend the conference – I only met some folks at a bar and got hit on by a stupid twat monkey that bemoaned the fact that “all the cute ones are gay or married.”  Yeah, bitch, next time don’t wear a red dress and look like you’re ready to do the horizontal ramba right after you say “hi” to someone.

I may be over my need for a blogging break.  It feels good to be blogging, peoples, and thank you for your wondermous comments in my mental absence.

Hugs and love.

Two Wars

The salvos continue.  Predictably, the LDS/Mormon church will preach from their pulpits and pyramid-scheme social circles, decrying anything but “one man, one woman” laws relating to marriage.  Since Mitt Romney isn’t running around as Presidential hopeful, they’ve got to pull something to be in the newspaper.  Any newspaper.  Even when that newspaper ends up as lining in some bird cage.

Funny, I didn’t realize Mormons were the moral authority on marriage, considering their less-than-successful social constructs of polygamy.  Let’s not pretend there was anything divine about it:  Joseph Smith was fucking other men’s wives.  Convenient.  I love it when God’s got your back:  an endless supply of fuckdom.

Mormons can believe in any number of heavens.  They can ignore their racist history.  They can tell their members to wear whatever underwear is acceptable to their deity (who wore robes and never wore said underwear – ever).  They can call themselves a “family” religion and even believe it is.  But here’s where it rubs the wrong way (and there ain’t NOTHING that rubs the wrong way like when someone isn’t rubbing the way YOU like it):  Mormons don’t get to dictate the rights of civil unions to anyone. Threatened by gay marriage?  Fine – don’t marry a same-sex partner.  Pretty simple.

Religion has nothing to do with this trumped argument of morals.  The ruckus is all about religion clamoring to be important to a society who has discovered that they can think for themselves.  This is about religion relinquishing their grasp of attempted control of the masses.

Imagine that.  People being and doing good deeds… because they are.  Not because they’re told.  People loving because that’s what they do and are.

Hey Mormons.  Ready?  Set?  Love.

***

I’ve been a tad absent from the blogosphere.  I remember a conversation with TLC recently where he encouraged me to keep writing and I was nodding to myself on the phone and saying that writing was important to me… and then I didn’t post anything but pictures.  In my mind, in my dreams, I had things to say, but the space never manifested to the point of wanting to share those thoughts.

A week or so later I was chatting with Sacred and SML and I partly realized that I have been communicating with myself, but I was letting the dialog run its course.  I actually wondered if we as humans needed conflict to grow, if we needed some source of conflict to realize what we do have instead of focusing on what we didn’t.  Yes, I was actually feeling guilty for being so happy with how life is.  It has been years since I enjoyed going to work, since I felt so comfortable with my own body, since I felt so completely domestic that I wanted to melt into a puddle of bliss.

It’s not easy being a prima-donna drama queen.  I’m quite out of my realm with life and not having some self-imposed rebellion to quell.  Allow me to try something new:  embracing peace and joy in my life.

Mormons and Polygamy

The FLDS reports of sexual abuse and underage, arranged marriages is all over the internets and mainstream media. For Mormons to try and distance themselves from polygamy is ludicrous. Their founding fathers were polygamists, secretly and openly: Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. Utah couldn’t become a State unless it ceased the practice of polygamy, then the then prophet/president and his ‘hood continued the practice for decades after their backed-into-a-corner proclamation and revised doctrine.

Some are gonna say I’m confusing apples and oranges, that the FLDS and Mormons are not the same. Hello? Mormon men secretly continued to dick around with women, other men’s wives, and under-age girls during the years following that “proclamation” in the late 1800’s. The FLDS broke off and went to play in their own sandbox in southern Utah. The FLDS at least have been honest about their beliefs and practices.

Mormons practice “spiritual” polygamy. This doctrine has never changed. The practice allows living men to be sealed to more than one wife in the hereafter. My scum-sucking insurance salesman of an uncle (have I mentioned the level of loathing I feel for this man?) was sealed in the Mormon temple to his second wife, just months after my aunt had passed away from cancer. In the Mormon afterlife when they are all dead, he’ll get to stand in his own personal Heaven behind the veil and call their secret names so that they (aunt/wife #1 and new wife #2) can be his mothers-in-heaven and spend the rest of eternity poppin’ out his spirit children. ‘Scuse me, but what part of “that’s fucked up” doesn’t anyone get? No wonder the Mormon church pushed so hard against the ERA amendment, it’s a fucking man’s club, minus the alcohol.

Mormons can run from their heritage and secret tenets, but they can’t hide, not even in god-forsaken Texas. They were and always have been polygamists, here on earth or in their hereafter.

Pay attention. Polygamy is a lifestyle. Abusing, raping, and marrying underage girls is a crime – may the offenders be castrated first and then shot in each head (little one, then the big one). Sexuality is NOT a lifestyle, nor a crime. The next time someone uses sexuality and the word “lifestyle” in the same sentence, remember: one can CHOOSE to have more than one spouse (lifestyle), but gay/straight/bi/confused is a state of BEING (sexuality). Thou shalt not confuse the two, or thou shalt be struck down with a big floppy double-headed dildo.

I need to sleep now.

Rewrite Suggestions

I have no intention of doing anything with a rock or a hat and “translate” or “transcribe” the eternal word of Gawd (and then let the English majors of the world come up with 4000 edits over the next century) and sharing my version of the Book of Mormon.  Suffice to say my version would not contain edicts from a bloodthirsty, war-mongering supreme being.  My version would contain lots of scantily clad (and hung) heroes and perky-breasted heroines, all of whom have genuine and affirming dialog with each other and the divinity within themselves.   If it sounds like I’m working myself up to write such blather, don’t worry – I have no interest in any form of a Book of Mormon, aside from agreeing with Mark Twain that it is “chloroform in print.”

Writing my version of the Articles of Faith was a nice challenge, but I will admit that I’m running out of steam in thinking about Mormonism’s “Word of Wisdom.”  Aside from doctrine that contradicts and repeats itself, there’s not much in the list that interests me.  Again, my concept of divinity has nothing to do with sacred underwear, secret names, secret handshakes, or pay-to-pray tithing.  My idea of divinity doesn’t have anything to do with edicts or “thou shalt nots” or contradictions (cf “don’t use tobacco” but then “every herb in the season thereof”).  I’m not advocating pure chaos or anarchy – I’m advocating thought and reason.

So I ran out of steam, and that’s where you come in:  if you were remotely interested in your own precepts and affirmations for every day living, what words of wisdom would you impart on your family, friends or neighbors - assuming they were people you’d want to interact with more than a “get the hell off my lawn” kind of way?

Inquiring minds.  Okay – my inquiring mind wants to know.   Discuss.

SL Trib comments about Romney

It’s been curious seeing the headlines change through the day about Romney and his “historic” speech. Initially, the headlines highlighted this gem: “Freedom requires religion just as religion requires freedom.” (Hey Jesus, can you come back down here and bitch-slap your followers starting with Romney, please pretty please?) The headlines changed, some highlighting the differences between himself and JFK’s speech (AS.IF!) Others say the speech was an address to the “role of religion.” Others highlighted the issue of “the Mormon question,” which Romney didn’t answer.

I couldn’t resist. I tried hard, (really really Really REALLY hard) but I couldn’t resist, because while reading the SL Tribune’s text of Romney’s speech, I felt the Spirit™ and posted the following comments:

“I can’t wait until Romney is President! He’ll do even more for the Mormon church than Joseph Smith did. Unlike Joseph, Romney won’t have to marry other men’s wives or order printing presses destroyed for reporting on his indiscretions. As President of the U.S., Romney will have his own private army, unlike Joseph Smith who just had a group called the ‘Danites’.

Romney will make America great again. Women, barefoot and pregnant, will be back in the kitchen. Gays and lesbians will be put back in their closets, with the doors locked. LDS seminary will be a required course in every elementary, middle-school and high school. Racism will be embraced and celebrated, and the Book of Mormon will be re-edited to remove the “politically correct” updates since the late 1970’s. Polygamy will be reinstated and the communities of southern Utah and Arizona will not only be pardoned, but emulated everywhere. Within a few years, I just know I’ll have me a brand spankin’ new pack of wives.

I’m overcome and need to go pray now.“

A Morgbot didn’t quite have a clue and posted a “…why don’t you think before you post a tirade…” comment. And of course, I had to respond. The Spirit­™ told me so:

“Who said it was a tirade, PlinkoStar?

Romney is my latter-day hero. He makes hair gel cool again. “

Because you know, irony is lost on Morgbots. They don’t GET it unless it’s written down for them somewhere else. I should have demanded a holy-screaming-orgasm kind of blowjob.

10 Reasons Why Sex is Better Than Church

Of course there are hundreds of other reasons, but here is a list of ten reasons why sex is better than church.

10. Seven days a week, night or day.
9. Unlike church, you feel better for participating.
8. No one cares about the size of your testimony.
7. All Christian churches end with the Second Coming.
6. Sex creates a level playing field – horizontal.
5. Porn has fewer textual edits and revisions.
4. No gets that Hi-Pro-Glo from church.
3. You know exactly which rod you’re holding onto.
2. Bondage is optional, not obligatory.
1. You don’t have to be a Prophet to scream out “Oh. My. God.”

(I saw substrate’s post on exmormon.org and couldn’t resist…)

Mormon Makeover

Gays and lesbians threaten the very foundation of Mormonism. In God’s plans, even Satan had his place, but what in Kolob’s name is a Heavenly Father-Figure (who would be HOT if he sang like George Michael) going to do with a fabulous and free-spirited folk? Let me tell you.

Gays and lesbians require some tweaks to God’s plan. In this life, baptism is the first step towards salvation. I don’t mind the idea of getting dunked, but at least modify the stupid white clothes into something more practical and visually appealing – like naked dunking or at least Speedos for gawd’s sake. And don’t baptize at eight. Wait until at least some one’s legal. Why is an organization “washing away” sin on “clean” people? Wait until there’s something to wash away.

The doctrine about the afterlife and married men calling their subservient spouses through the Veil into Heaven – that needs a rewrite, big time. Do women NEED a man to call them through to Heaven? Hell no. A man can hold the door open, but honey, if the dumb shit needs a secret name for his already-sealed spouse, then he doesn’t deserve a cloud, a harp, or pair of wings, let alone his own private Heaven. And what’s up with God needing a secret name? If he doesn’t know who you are, then you or God are in the wrong place, dontcha think? With gays and lesbians in the mix, I’d advocate random but meaningful names for ourselves. ANNOUNCE yourself as you step into Heaven. My name is: He-Who-Blogs-Naked, Neither-Ho-Nor-Mo, or simply Don. Or Nod, if I’m feeling contrary. I’d fuck with anyone who says they have to call me into Heaven. Your announcement is your entrance – God should already know you’re coming.

There’s nothing wrong with the Mormon proclamation of “eternal families.” It’s a sweet sentiment, except for the families that hate each other, abuse their kids or spouses, or disown their own kids for being different or (gasp!) gay. Besides, how credible is a religion that seals their families forever: FOR. FUCKING. EVER. Dear readers, I moved out at 18 for a reason – do you think I’m gonna fly around heaven and be chained to my family from hell? How many of you have a quota on visiting family each year? Guess what – the Mormon God doesn’t want visits – he wants permanence. He can have my family – I’m gonna visit Saturn or some other celestial body (like Uranus – ahem).

As I’ve said before, a Mormon heaven has always sounded a bit like an over-hyped multi-level parking structure in the sky. If God is so petty to assign numbers and parking spaces and specific levels in the afterlife AND require 10% from this life to get there? I’m sorry, God, but you sound status-hungry, shallow, and judgmental. I can get all of that HERE – why would I want any of that in the afterlife?