The career mechanics of resumes, cover letters, applications and interviews is, in my opinion, not nearly as rough as the process of introspection and internal evaluation. Maybe I’m my own dominatrix because I tend to kick my ass. My initial task is to get over the mindset where I doubt my actual skills. If I didn’t chronicle past accomplishments, projects or successes, I would sit and stare at an application or job post and wonder why I’m bothering with jobs I obviously have NO chance of attaining – yeah – I have those fun kinds of talks with myself. Once I get past the initial critical voice, I start being productive and organized. Getting past that can take me a long time. Sometimes that voice never quiets. (This is the part where you get to wonder how many voices do I hear?…)
This process extends beyond “career.” I start writing goals and dreams, which filters into my blog, which tweaks my moods a little bit towards the quiet and isolated, and in those quiet times I look back and remember who I was. This part is important but obvious – remembering the important. Specific times are benchmarks of where I was, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, intellectually. I can place the positive next to the negative and see through the trials and mishaps of how I got to be where I am. I revisit this from time to time. Yesterday and two decades ago are the same in this space.
The outer part of this process are the people in my life who are important to me. My friends and family share back with me who I was and who I am through love and memories. I can depend on their honesty for the less-than-glorious days, laugh with them about the less-than-graceful debacles, and cry with them about the less-than-intelligent choices I survived.
I know the cycle and will do it again. I know I’m done for now, because my beloved looks at me and sees a man who has wound himself tight through the years. What he sees now is a man who’s flung himself into the unknown. I’m not unraveling. I’m unfurling.
May 15, 2008 at 7:47 am
Most amazing last paragraph!!! Wow! I got chills and tears in my eyes all at the same time. I feel inspired and love that I can relate to that “unfurling” for myself. Thanks, Sid.
May 15, 2008 at 12:01 pm
What a delightful experience it has been to read this post. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. I can’t wait to see this life episode’s bloom.
May 15, 2008 at 9:58 pm
What I really want to know is if you and Scott are getting married?
May 15, 2008 at 11:18 pm
I totally love this line… I’m not unraveling. I’m unfurling.
Great Talk Thursday post, and so pertitnent to who you are.
May 16, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I tell my hubby that I have lived several lives in this one life.
I understand the unfurling.. Good luck with that.
May 16, 2008 at 11:35 pm
I know what you mean about those kinds of self talk. I hate that voice. But what scares me even more are the people who don’t seem to have that voice at all. They’re the scary ones. Like Donald Rumsfeld. I don’t think he ever had a twinge of self doubt in his life.
I prefer you, my angsty friend.
May 17, 2008 at 4:57 am
Lovely. So good. Unfurl, my brother. Then teach me how to.
Sometimes it’s scary how much today and two decades ago reside in the same space.
May 17, 2008 at 7:24 am
I had a conversation with that horrible voice on Thursday and convinced myself something sinister was happening career-wise that Friday turned out to be so not true. I hate that voice.
Maybe you should teach classes in unfurling. Sounds like you’ve got some students lined up.
Oh, and I’m really happy about the Supreme Court decision. It’ll never happen in Utah (though I hope it does) but at least there’s progress somewhere.
May 17, 2008 at 8:02 am
Mm, powerful post. Be nice to yourself.
May 17, 2008 at 11:16 am
I’ve been liking these “Talk Thursdays.” But lately they seem to becoming more and more impassioned to the point where you’re beating yourself up. As Jenniphur said above, be nice to yourself.
May 18, 2008 at 7:18 pm
You sound perfectly normal to me, not too mention well grounded! I think we all do it, just at different levels.
There can be a lot of good come from it as well.
Just dont be too hard on yourself & end up like me!! *winks*
May 18, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Unfurling says it so impeccably. The unknown is where the good stuff is. I know you’ll do well.
Loves to you, my friend. You inspire me.
Lynnski
May 18, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Ang – Thanks for the topic, although I was grade-A bastard who bitched about it. As JA says, one purpose of TT was to expand and grow… and I think I did okay on this one. (wish I could remember the exact words she used… ack!)
Julz – Thank you, m’dear.
TLC – Ha – Scott and I did the ceremony thing. We may end up getting hitched instead of staying with the domestic partner gig. We’ve been joking with each other about who would change their last name – funny that we’re both open to “Pentozzi.”
Cele – Thank you, and rightbackatcha on YOUR TT post.
Cyn – We’ll be talking soon. I did get your draft and I’m so sorry I haven’t responded to that email account!
Daniel – “Angsty” is a good word for my process. I guess what I call it is “getting in touch with my shadow.” It used to scare the hell out of me, but after years of running from myself I finally embraced everything – the good, the bad. And a belated thank you!
Wry – I’ve been thinking about you for days. I think change is happening everywhere, and I have no doubts that you will also be changing your world to better suit you. We need to chat
Lost – I’m not sure about this “teacher” thing. Yours and Wry’s comments scared the hell out of me, frankly – it was like a big sign saying “responsibility” and I wanted to run screaming from the room. Besides, I’m so not structured that “classes” would be chaotic and maddening and silly and irreverent and… what were we talking about?
Jenniphur – I’m being nice to myself.
Steven – Heh – I’m not berating myself – I actively walk in my own shadow. I hope that it’s not too uncomfortable for folks.
Shaney – Thank you. I get completely abnormal and not-grounded, but like you said, I think everyone does that. I’m just the freak that chronicles my own process
Oh – and too hard on myself? My friend, you’re in a great space of your own and I don’t have a damn thing on ya. 
Lynnski – Love and hugs rightbackatcha – and YOU inspire ME.
May 18, 2008 at 11:06 pm
All I know is that I’m glad you have someone to help you out when those voices of yours start to annoy or even sadden you. I’m not at all sure about the “voices” in my head. It seems I may have silenced or ignored them for too long to the point that I rarely think about what I should have done when I had just graduated, or what I should have done when I met a certain someone.
That is until now – thanks a lot, Sid!!
lol
May 23, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I have more ready to read… I will probably send them to you soon.
June 5, 2008 at 1:57 pm
why is it that when I begin to unfurl I begin to fear the freedom of flight?? I’ve missed reading your posts.