The following points should be kept in mind if you’re a man and you use a bathroom outside of your primary residence.
- Don’t use your cell phone in the bathroom. I don’t care how skilled you think are in trying to piss and chat, and I really don’t need to see you try and zip and flush one-handed. If you’re in a stall and talking, I pray to the toilet gods that your ass starts on fire from static electricity in your cell phone.
- If you’re standing at a urinal, look at the wall or watch where you’re pissing, but don’t be looking around at everyone else’s business like you’re at a science exhibit, ya stupid fucktard. All you’re doing is reinforcing a gay stereotype that we’re interested in your microscopic schlong – we’re NOT. The only thing THIS gay man is interested in seeing is… your obituary.
- Don’t talk, particularly while in a stall. If someone is in a stall and tries talking, exit the room quickly and turn off the light on the way out. Let the jerk-off fumble their way out. For extra points, call the main desk and tell them someone is in the bathroom having an epileptic fit.
- Aim. Unless you have a neuro-muscular disorder or are prone to unintentional spasms, thou shalt not use a urinal – sit your ass down in a stall since you’re incapable of pissing in a receptacle that Helen Keller couldn’t miss. Lay your dick in the god-damn-bowl if you can’t piss without missing. Jeebus.
- Don’t leave a mess. If the toilet seat and the floor looks like you just re-enacted Riverdance while pissing, then use your own shirt to wipe up your mess. Your mom or spouse or significant other doesn’t work here – and they’d beat your ass to a bloody pulp if you pissed like that at home. When you’re done cleaning your own mess, go find the janitor and confess your sins – be sure that your penance will be complete once you’ve chopped your own wood and you’ve been hung on a cross for a few days.
- Wash your hands. You just touched your junk. Are you really such a fucktard that I have to explain germs and hygiene to you?
This post came about because there’s a new employee that’s been pissing everywhere and it really makes me insane(r). I have warned my boss to expect profane posters on the bathroom door and walls. I told him today that it looked like the bathroom had been hit by a piss tsunami – he doesn’t understand that I’m serious and WILL publicly humiliate this arrogant and inconsiderate, fuckin’ fucktard.
May 9, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Oh mi god epilectic seisure, hysterical. I hate people who can’t hit the toilet, and that goes for the idiot who designed a reverse bowl toilet. If you had to sit down to pee you’d understand.
I don’t get people who use their cellphone in the bathroom, the last thing I want to hear or have people hear is that extremely private moment. And to me anytime in the bathroom is extremely private.
May 9, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Dude, if you ever read Oprah magazine (I’m sure you don’t), there is an article a month or so back about “The Tinkler” (link out on CNN.com right now) about someone in the O Magazine office who “tinkles” over the seats in the bathrooms. Let’s face it, if you are female it should not be hard to aim!
That said, most of these rules also apply to women – I just about gag when someone’s chatting on their cell phone in the stall next to me…ewwwwwww!
Your urinal example is why my 16 year old goes in a stall to pee. It freaks him out. Probably most/all 16 year olds are like this.
Have a great weekend!
May 10, 2008 at 8:02 am
Hey Sid – I hate wet bowls as much as you do, maybe more since I’m a girl and well, you know, sit. I will, however, admit to having been aimless for a really long time.
Here’s a partial answer to your pissy rant, (which I loved btw):
I found a vitally important article . . . (see lynnblossom blog)
LA LA la la la
May 10, 2008 at 9:49 am
Wow. I am so in the minority here. I love when people talk on their cell phones in the loo. I mean, if someone wants to share their personal life with the world, then why not use a cell phone everywhere? Or, I guess you could just start a blog . . . <_<
When I’m using the facilities, I love to shoot the shit with the guy next to me. Or the guy next to him, even. Why not? What else do you have to do, but stand there with your dick in your hand, right? Talk about a mundane, tedious, but terribly necessary step in our lives. We have to release waste – why not make the most of it? I have met some very interesting people in the loo.
Although – yeah, if you sprinkle when you tinkle; don’t be a schmuck, clean it up.
May 10, 2008 at 11:10 am
I hate tinklers too. I have four brothers who were younger than me (oldest of the boys is 7 years younger than I am). Well, you got it… not a one of them could hit the toilet and we had one bathroom.
I took things into my own hands and taught my brothers how to aim. We made it a game. We’d go outside and try to shoot flowers and plants. I heard later that they got really good at their contests. I was gone by then.
May 10, 2008 at 11:34 am
OH! GOOD LORD!
This is some hilariously good stuff, Sid. God forbid *I* ever piss you off… hahaha pun intended
May 10, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Could you bring up the subject in a staff meeting? Does the office building have another bathroom to use in the meantime? How disgusting and inconsiderate can one person be?!?!
Sorry this guy has driven you nucking futs. Thanks for the organized, entertaining post. Thanks also for deepening my appreciation for my man who wipes up after himself.
From one germ-phobe to another, man-junk doesn’t harbor many germs, and urine is sterile. It’s the E.coli and staph you should worry about and people who just never wash their hands ever. EW!!!!!
May 10, 2008 at 2:32 pm
And don’t read the fucking newspaper in the potty at work. I hate that.
Buy him some depends.
May 10, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Tell your boss you’re going to get in touch with OSHA. And take pictures.
May 10, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Another thought: why is he pissing all over? Cats and Dogs piss to gain territory.! Umm?
May 11, 2008 at 9:50 am
Hey Handsome!
I direct you to my brother’s blog, but I can’t find the exact link. So go to montgomeryq.blogspot.com and read the entry for Thursday, December 20, 2007. It’s reminiscent of your office plight.
We’re teaching our little one how to pee sitting down (he can learn the Stand and Aim when he’s older, imho). I’m fascinated that he can aim his wee-wee down into the bowl and STILL the pee-stream goes between the seat and the toilet. Penis’ are funny things. But you already know that.
May 11, 2008 at 6:29 pm
I found this and needed to share it “Beware the Tinkler”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/05/06/o.tinkler/index.html?eref=rss_latest
May 12, 2008 at 9:09 am
HeeHee! I love posts like this! Too hilarious! ON talking in the restroom, many men will only take a call in the restroom instead of at the table, they see it as better etiquette than speaking inside the restaurant. Or they’ll step outside. I find it kinda fun to hear people talking all business-y whilst their d*cks are hanging out.
One of the funniest things I’ve ever witnessed is when at one workplace someone wrote on the wall directly in front the urinal “user” the phrase, “Wow, your d*ck is huge!”. It had a funny effect, when the user read it, they suddenly panicked and thought it had to have been written by the guy standing at the urinal next to them, and they’d look over. It was freakin’ hilarious. I didn’t stalk watching it, but every single time I happened to be in the restroom, I saw it happen as I was washing my hands. That really made me laugh, sometimes out loud. *snicker*
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May 12, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Funniest thing I have read in a long time…
May 12, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Cele – I fully agree!
Lost – Major ewwww!
Lynnski – “…aimless for a really long time…” ROFLMAO
Seizui – “…you could just start a blog…” Blogs are different than pissing and talking on a cell phone! **pondering** For the most part, any way.
Cyn – **grin** Well done. I bet you two-to-one that at least one of them tried peeing on an electric fence. Once.
Angie – Ha! No worries.
Jenniphur – Yes, he’s disgusting and inconsiderate. I can’t wait to do posters and put them in the bathroom. Yeah – I have the germ phobia thing. I’m not worried about ME – I’m worried about everyone else! Ew!
Upright – **grin**
Daniel – I am SO taking pictures.
Cyn – Yeah – he’s pissing on his new territory. He’s pissing me off, too.
La – Yes, indeed
Good luck with the little guy!
esteban – I can see ANOTHER sign opportunity in the bathroom.
AZ – Thanks, man!
May 13, 2008 at 5:32 am
Someone was using their cell phone in the bathroom at a Target yesterday. When I flushed the urinal, I discovered it was very loud. After I washed my hands, I used the air hand dryer, and that was very loud. So, I flushed the toilet again (yeah, I wasted water, but it was fun to interrupt the guy’s phone call), then I used the air dryer again for an extra long time.
May 13, 2008 at 8:48 am
VERY funny!
May 16, 2008 at 5:37 pm
God, it drives me crazy when I see a grown man walk past two unused urinals to a stall where they proceed to piss while standing up without raising the seat. WTF? You really think it’s a good idea to piss all over the seat? I’ve usually seen this from middle eastern men who seem to be afflicted with an overwhelming sense of modesty that unfortunately doesn’t come with a sense of cleanliness or courtesy.
I also loved it when I went in to a stall and found dirty toilet paper thrown on the floor.
This is in an office building used by professionals, btw, not the mall.
May 17, 2008 at 11:27 am
The last one, “Wash Your Hands,” reminds me of one Far Side comic strip….It shows a guy exiting the men’s bathroom and a sign above the door starts to flash, “DIDN’T WASH HANDS!”
May 18, 2008 at 11:14 pm
LMAO!!
Its nice to read someone else having a ranting fit about something! lol
Crikey – this reminds me of my brief (but not brief enough – thankyou very much!) stint when I had to clean bathrooms in my old disgusting and low-paid job! The stories I could tell you! lol
I agree with that 2nd one, but mostly because some guys, like me, are “growers”. And pissing in a crowded bathroom does NOT get me or my
“little me” in an excited mood!