Hat Tip to Doug

Doug from Whisper in the Void wrote some powerful reflections about being gay, self acceptance and the cyclical process of coming out, in sections appropriately titled “acceptance,” “forgiveness,” “courage,” and “being out.” I’m going to write stream of consciousness and borrow his themes/sections, so this might get bumpy. Come along if you want to ride with me. (Note to TLC – I did not say “ride me.”)

Acceptance

Sexuality has always been a fluid realization. Attraction is/has been based on the individual that is usually male, but I’ve accepted and acknowledged and loved (but never slept with) the wonderful women in my life. I knew from an early age that I liked men and also knew this would be challenging: live life as myself or try to be someone else? The telling is easy, but the living it was hard at the time: I chose to be myself, and that road took me years to appreciate. I wasn’t always graceful, and in fact there were times when my own homophobia or heterophobia stopped me cold and ruined more than one relationship. If anything, it was stubbornness to never give up and the acceptance to the reality of myself that kept me going.

Now? I know who I am. I’ve seen my worst and I’ve seen bright flashes of my best. I’ve lived through horrible happenings, some of them of my own creation, but I survived.

Forgiveness

I don’t forgive easily. I remember when I’m lied to, when I’m betrayed, or when I’ve been intentionally hurt. In my younger days, it felt devastating to the point of wanting revenge. I was all over the Biblical concept of “an eye for an eye.” As I grew older and did my own share of hurting others, either intentionally or unintentionally and begging for forgiveness, I had to face the truth that I was a raving hypocrite. Sure – ask for forgiveness when I wouldn’t afford the same to someone else. Those lessons hit the hardest with the knowledge that I had hurt someone to the point of tears and extreme emotional pain. Until I could face what I had done to someone else, I wasn’t equipped to forgive. I didn’t know how to forgive someone until someone could show me what it’s like to be forgiven. I didn’t say I’m good at forgiving – I can do it, but it takes a lot of work and a lot of “letting go.” The stubborn parts of me want to hold onto hurt/anger, and forgiving someone/anyone will never be a reflexive thing for me.

Courage

If moving towards the things one fears is courage, then so be it, but that’s how I’ve always been (except for heights/falling – I don’t ever seek those fears or situation). Fear of rejection? I’ll talk to anyone. I know some people will like me, some people could care less, and others my very existence will scare the very hell out of them. I learned a long time ago that I can’t make anyone like me. I’m still learning to be my own best friend. Most days I like who I am, and when I forget, I know that friends will reflect back the strength, the contradictions, the surety of who I am. The hardest lesson? Learning and knowing and being… enough.

Being Out

I think the term “coming out” and “being out” are misleading. I believe sexuality is fluid. Attraction is the sphere of influence between oneself and another, which I liken to the concept of gravity. The pull of the moon makes waves, and the pull of someone we care about or want to care about can make us sing, cry, dance, fall, celebrate, or disappear. Being “out” is about knowing and being where you are in that orbit of attraction. Sometimes we’re pulled by heavenly bodies, sometimes we feel isolated and alone at the deep edge of space.  I think most of us have predictable orbits.  Some have orbits that are more quirky or random.  “Coming out” is space exploration of the self. That’s how I think of sexuality and “out.”  Roger that.

My friends and family are in diverse spheres. It is very difficult for me when orbits collide or interact. While many people know many intimate things about me, there are other groups of people who don’t, because I’ve chosen the level of intimacy or I’ve chosen to limit the things I want them to know. There were times in my life that I’d broadcast to any/all and didn’t censor myself or hold back, but I’ve found the last several years that I choose not to immediately stake my claim on sexuality. I’ve learned to hold some of the cards from the table, but I’m not doing so out of fear of rejection, I’m doing so out of a deliberate choice of expending energy. Frankly, I don’t want to put myself out there when the other party could care less. I want a give and take, not a take and take dialogue.

You can take off your seat belt now, because this ride ran out of gas and it’s bedtime.